Introspection
by morgana07
Summary: 1-shot. Castiel POV. Castiel's thoughts on his history with the Winchesters as he ponders how best to help Sam with what's happened when he'd reminded that there is at least one thing that might not have changed. *Thoughtful/pondering!Castiel with a short cameo from Dean.


**Introspection**

**Summary:**_1-shot. Castiel POV. Castiel's thoughts on his history with the Winchesters as he ponders how best to help Sam with what's happened when he'd reminded that there is at least one thing that might not have changed. *Thoughtful/pondering!Castiel with a short cameo from Dean._

**Warnings: **_Nothing serious. Maybe minor language._

**Tags/Spoilers: **_Not tagged to anything but it happens after 09x23 Do You Believe In Miracles._

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own anything and it's written for enjoyment of fans._

**Author Note: **_So blame the muse again for this one as we all know this writer doesn't do Cas-centric anything much less in 1__st__ person POV. I've probably done…3 total but the muse was feeling sorry for the guy so it decided to be nice and give him some time. This one has not been beta'd and remember that 1__st__ person POV is not something I do normally unless the character speaks to me as I plot. I hope you guys enjoy it._

**SPN SPN SPN SPN SPN**

It has nearly been six years since I first met the Winchester brothers. The day I pulled Dean out of the Pit where he'd been for forty years of Hell time wasn't just the day I believed I had saved a righteous man from hell but it also turned out to be the day when my life as I knew it began to change.

I have been a soldier of the Garrison for many, many millennia's. I have seen mankind rise up and I have seen them fall. I have also done many things that I am not proud of these days in that service but the one thing that I find that I will never regret is pulling Dean out of that place.

At the time I believed I was doing it because Heaven could no longer bear to see the man suffer. He'd given his soul to save his younger brother. He'd fought for 30 years without breaking, without giving in to the demons torture only to finally have Alastair use the one weapon that Dean had no defense from…I often wonder if Sam ever learned the true reason his brother finally broke.

Back then I was a loyal soldier. I followed orders even as I watched what both Heaven and Hell were doing to two young men who in their own way were just trying to protect each other and survive the world in which they'd been brought into.

I'd once been told that Sam was the evil one. That he'd been cursed even before he was born to be Lucifer's vessel while his older brother, the righteous one, the strong one, would serve as Michael's. I'd been told that all of this was predestined and just needed a little nudging.

A little nudging that included standing idly by while a demon convinced Sam that to save his brother he needed to be stronger, he needed the demon blood that he became addicted to and then when Dean was trying to break Sam's dependence on it…I was told to interfere. It was this interference that allowed Ruby to take Sam to the convent in Maryland, to free Lucifer and begin what should have been the start of the Apocalypse. I'm not sure if Dean ever learned of my involvement or if he forgave me if he did.

Working with the Winchesters, watching Dean and Sam and learning from them various things that my brothers and sisters in Heaven don't have the ability to learn or understand I began to see how right Dean had been about a great many things.

I turned my back on Heaven, on my duty to help them stop the Apocalypse. It wasn't always a wise choice and I did…die a few times because of it over the years as well as go more than a little crazy. I accept those choices that I made. I also accept Dean's anger over the last few…dozen or so because I admit nearly everything I did after that final day in the field when Sam locked both Lucifer and Michael in the Cage was not good choices.

Working with Crowley to find Purgatory, leaving Sam's soul to be flayed with two very angry Archangels, lying to Dean about my involvement, trying to persuade him not to put Sam's soul back in, damaging the wall in Sam's head to protect his sanity and then opening Purgatory were all not good choices.

I accept that anything that hurt Sam angered his brother and I know despite it all that Dean did not forgive me for those things because forgiving someone who hurt or allowed his little brother to be hurt just was not in Dean's nature.

I do try my best to make up for my bad choices but it seems like all the good I try to do just ends up going wrong. Dean once told me I was too naïve to be let loose in the world and now as I take this latest event in I have to wonder if he wasn't correct.

After the Apocalypse didn't happen, I tried to reunite Heaven but ended up killing many of my brethren. To keep Crowley from controlling the power of Purgatory I opened it myself and unleashed the Leviathans on the world. About the only good thing I believe I did was when I healed the fractures in Sam's mind even if I took them into myself but since it was my fault his wall fell I felt it only right.

I often wish I'd died or stayed in Purgatory. I cannot begin to undo the damage I've caused in Heaven's name. I was used by Naomi, I was used by Metatron (more than once it seems). I caused the fall of Heaven because I trusted naively again and because I lost my grace I was unable to help Dean save Sam from the effects of the trials, which I'm not honestly sure wasn't another lie from Metatron.

In his need to save his brother Dean accepted help without knowing the risks and that ended up doing more damage to the brothers…and Kevin. I do believe with all my heart that Gadreel did mean to help Sam, to heal him as he promised but like me he was tricked by lies.

Gadreel and I much like Sam and Dean have been so many times were tricked into doing wrong with the promise that it would be right. This time though I fear Dean was tricked because he wasn't given all the details. Demons might not lie but they do seem to be good at leaving out important details…such as what the Mark of Cain would do to a human.

Being without my original grace has made me weaker so I didn't immediately pick up the change in my friend. I had noticed the change in his mood which made me worried since while Dean has always been intense I had begun to sense that he was getting even more so. When I finally picked up the power and saw the Mark I knew he'd been led down the wrong path.

Stories of the Mark, of Cain, of the First Blade were even beyond my pay grade as humans would say but I knew enough to know that risks. By the time I really saw the change in him it was in the middle of the trouble with Metatron and those that chose to be my followers at the time and by then I could only try to find a way to start explaining to Sam how bad this choice of his brother's truly was.

When Gadreel and I left Sam to confront his brother after Dean escaped the dungeon in their bunker with Crowley's help I didn't expect the trap that was waiting in Heaven for us. I didn't expect Gadreel to sacrifice his life so I could be freed to confront and distract Metatron…I didn't expect it to be too late to help my friends.

In my heart I knew in some way that it had been too late from the moment Dean accepted the mark from Cain because that was a power never meant to be wielded by a human. And despite where the Winchester bloodline might come from, despite what they were supposed to be all Sam and Dean are only human…now I fear that applies to only one of them.

By the time I got to the bunker once I was certain Hannah and the others could handle things in Heaven I found a broken and distraught Sam and I knew even before he told me what had happened.

Metatron had said Dean was dead and in so many ways he's correct. The hunter, the human died at his hands but either he didn't realize or understand that the Mark had already killed Dean. It had begun the change the moment it was put on and when it came into active contact with the First Blade my friend's fate was sealed.

I haven't willingly wanted to smite anyone like I do Crowley right now because while I'm not sure if the demon understood it all or not he knew enough to know what this would do to Dean. I do not think he fully understands what he's created but I do still have hope that not all of the man I knew is gone.

Sam's uneasy with having angels in the bunker and despite all that he's done there are many of my kind who still sees him as Lucifer's vessel. Even though as I pointed out quite loudly that they can hardly cast stones at Sam now considering the man who was supposed to be Michael's vessel had now become a very rare kind of demon, one who even as such a low power level could topple Crowley if he wanted to.

Until I get a better grasp on things both in Heaven and how I might be able to hopefully help Sam I don't like leaving him alone since the threat to him from both sides is still there. Plus as I've learned from years of being with them a despondent, angry, worried and often drinking Winchester left alone is not a good thing. Knowing this I had to resort to a rather extreme method to make sure Sam's not alone and also that he has some help going through all the files in hopes to finding something about the Mark, the blade and a way to save his brother…of course while ghosts can't physically harm me Kevin's mother did make good use of a metal pan when I tried to explain things.

With Heaven open again, all the souls that had passed away during the time it was closed could pass unheeded. That was one of the first tasks I gave to Hannah and all did gladly go over, except one.

"Your Angel buddy burned out my eyes and killed me. You guys caused one hell of a huge rift between Sam and Dean and now because Dean was pissed off and did something stupid you're telling me he died after Metatron stabbed him and is pretty much the new Knight of Hell. You tell me all of that and then expect me to cross over and live my afterlife happily? Dude? Did you get your head scrambled again? Nope, no way. I'm staying grounded until you find a way to either reverse this and get Dean back or reverse it so he can be at peace. Oh and if you don't I promise that my Mom will kick your butt back to Heaven."

Kevin Tran might have been small and hesitant when he was first made into a Prophet but his time with the Winchesters gave him…spunk. Of course being dead he was also able to make things explode when upset so while I tried to get him to cross and allow his mother to watch after Sam, Kevin firmly made his choice and was now using his powers as a ghost to move quickly around the bunker as he and Sam used the time to search through files and records left from generations of Men of Letters.

Mrs. Tran was much more vocal to both myself and Sam when he tried to tell her that he was fine and would be fine until he fixed this but she merely overrode him much like I've seen Dean too so often and took all the whiskey while saying he couldn't hurt or help Dean if he was drunk off his ass. I still cringe at what she told another Angel when he came to tell me something. If she was an angel I think I would put Mrs. Tran in charge of Heaven because she can certainly make my kind jump.

My grace is weakening. I know without my original grace or recharging it that I will pass but I've sworn to Sam that I will not do so until I've helped him but it's more than helping even if he hasn't figured that out yet.

Sam has worked himself into an exhausted sleep on top of the brutal tears that he thinks he hides from those of us in the bunker. He sleeps in Dean's room now even though Mrs. Tran and I both tried to convince him to seal the room off for the bad memories alone but what saddens me, what makes me remember how close these two truly are is when Sam said despite it all, despite seeing what Dean has become, that this room doesn't have bad memories.

"It's still Dean's," he'd said and when he finally manages to sleep can only do so in this room.

He won't let Kevin or I demon proof the bunker despite the risk of Crowley or one of his followers gaining entrance. That's why I try to stay close or have Hannah or one of the others around until I convince him to at least do a general anti-demon warding. I know why Sam doesn't want the bunker warded and it's for that reason that I'm sitting in this room now as he sleeps.

It's been two weeks since it happened. Two weeks of pure emotional trauma for a young man that has hardly known peace in his life. Two weeks since the last of his family has become something else and as I wait I begin to wonder how much of my friend has been destroyed by Crowley's games.

"Watching Sam sleep is a bit creepy even for you."

Perhaps not all of him it seems. "I was actually waiting to see how long it would be before you chose to make an appearance…Dean."

As I look I can feel the power but that would be all that would give away that this was not the man I pulled from the Pits nearly six years earlier. Dean still looked like he did the last time I'd seen him…minus the wild madness clouding his green eyes that were now looking between me and his sleeping brother.

"I honestly thought the place would be warded by now," Dean sounded surprised but there was also something else in there, something that gave me hope that not all was lost. "How…how has he been?"

"His brother is essentially dead and despite what he says I think he's scared of how much of you has been lost or how much will change. How should Sam be, Dean?" I asked curiously, standing when he stepped closer to the bed. "He won't let us ward the bunker because I think in some way Sam's hoping you'll come back. You're keeping him from waking up."

It wasn't a question but a statement since I could feel the power now pulsing and I really do want to see Crowley's face when he realizes just what he has brought out.

"Ward the bunker but leave a backdoor so this room is clear," Dean turned his head to look at me and while his face was harder there was still the layer of protective older brother there when he spoke again. "Until I tell you to close it so I can't come near him."

"Why?" I'm not sure what I'm asking. I know why Dean would want the bunker warded and why leave this room open but I'm not sure why he would ever see the reason to shut his way in unless… "You can feel the change?"

"A lot of what I was is gone but the part of me that is Sam's big brother, the part that has protected him since he was born still seems to be there," Dean's fingers brushed lightly over a tense face and as I watch I can see Sam relaxing in his sleep just from the simple touch. "I'm not sure what I am now, Cas. I don't think Crowley's counting on whatever it is anyway but all I do know is that I will still kill anything that threatens or hurts Sammy so…point that out to your pals cause angel or demon, I will kill for him."

I'm inwardly glad to see that hasn't changed so far. I don't move closer as I watch Dean sit on the edge of what had been his bed to reach into the stand beside it to pull out a small box. "You know that Sam and I will find a way to reverse this or counter it," I see the black bands that I could recall both Winchesters wearing and I see Dean slip them both onto Sam's wrist before I notice him wince as if in pain before folding Sam's fingers closed around something.

"I know he'll try. I'll only tell you to watch his back when I can't and if it goes too long and I start to change then you block me from having access to this room and you stop looking for ways to counter it and start looking for ways to fully kill me," Dean kept his hand on Sam but the look he gave me was one like I'd seen after he learned of my involvement with Crowley. "You want to make right all the crap you caused that hurt him? Well, here's your chance. Watch him, help him but if you or one of the Angel Patrol screw him over again then before I die I'll take all of you with me but Sam will be safe. Now get out and let him sleep."

"Is he safe?" I knew the change the second it happened. I'd seen it at least a dozen times since meeting the Winchesters so when Dean went from the bed to shoving me against the door in the next second I wasn't shocked.

The eyes flashed to a darker green but never black so that told me that Dean had more control of this change than even he realized and that did worry me.

"This damn mark, the blade or whatever might have changed me so that when your buddy shoved that blade in my chest it did this but the one thing that has not changed yet and will not change so long as I have control is Sam ever being in danger from me," this was the same tone he used the first time he thought I might be a danger to his brother. "I'd stab myself through the heart with that blade before I turned on him. You just make sure no one else turns on him."

The strength in the hand on my throat is more than normal but considering things I know it's better that Dean be physical than resorting to using any other powers.

"I'll keep him safe," I tell him and I will try since I've failed Sam too often to do it again. Deciding that Dean had risked a possible trap to come see his brother, even if it was while he was asleep, I choose to leave them alone. "I'm sorry I failed you both so often."

"It wasn't always your fault," Dean clearly did still blame me for some things but I know now isn't the time to push that so I step into the hall when I hear him call to me. "Yes?"

He's sitting back beside Sam like I've seen him do so often if the younger man was hurt or sick. I notice that despite the steady deep voice that Dean's fingers shake when they brush back through hair that Mrs. Tran has been lecturing is getting too long and if Sam doesn't trim it she'll take a pair of scissors to it herself. "Tell Mrs. Tran to make sure he eats because if he's too down he'll try to skid by on quick bites or crap that I don't even think Kevin would have tried. Oh and I'll leave a list of other things for you and her for…just in case stuff."

"We will get you back so you can watch over Sam, Dean," I will do my best to make sure that happens. Not only for Sam but also for Dean because a man, even one turned into as close to a natural demon as one can get, who still worries about strangers not knowing the simple signs of a cold or illness or something else that he used to watch over Sam still deserves to be saved in some way.

I hear him talking to Sam like he normally would have as I move back up through the bunker. I know the sigils needed to guard it from demons while still allowing Dean to enter the one room. As I walk away I think back to my original orders when I was sent with so many others to pull Dean out of hell.

'_He'll be important to our cause one day and must be saved._'

I often wonder how much my superiors knew or suspected and if I'd been more alert to what was going on behind the scenes so to speak how much any of this could've been prevented.

My grace will weaken and I may die but as I think to all that these two humans have endured and sacrificed to save others, to save each other I find that perhaps I can do no less when it's my time to face that moment…so long as I can protect and help my friends at least one more time in doing so.

**The End**


End file.
